AN ODE TO HASSELHOFF

A while ago I posted a review on Amazon.com about David Hasselhoff’s album “Very Best of David Hasselhoff.” I chose to honor Mr. Hasselhoff by creating an acrostic poem about his awesomeness. I figured I would post that poem here seeing as how most of you probably aren’t browsing through Amazon.com reviews about David Hasselhoff. I just want the world to know how I feel about him. Here it is:

Hasselhoff makes the pain go away

D is for…Dollar. If I had one for every moment that Hasselhoff shamed the rest of humanity, I’d be a trillionaire.

A is for…Ambassador. In a world of musical strife, Hasselhoff is the ambassador of peace to my ears.

V is for…Vial of life. As in, Hasselhoff is.

I is for…Insanity. What I am happily driven to when caught in the grasp of Hasselhoff’s claw-like melodies.

D is for…Danger. Don’t get too close to Hasselhoff. Surely close proximity to such perfection would obviously cause your worthless body to spontaneously combust.

H is for…Hallelujah! We can all quit our jobs and let Hasselhoff’s voice be our source of every need. His songs will no doubt fuel our cars, give nutrients to our bodies and make plants grow.

A is for…Abuse. What you suffer every excruciating moment that you are not listening to Hasselhoff.

S is for…“Shut up!” to every other “musician” who robs the airwaves and wastes my ear space with their pathetic sub-Hasselhoff excuse for singing. Step back and let the only vessel of beautiful melody take his rightful place as the embodiment of song.

S is for… Sacrifice. Goats to Hasselhoff every day.

E is for…Eden. Where I find myself when Hasselhoff’s sweet, life-giving voice tenderly caresses my eardrums and blocks out the pain of this life.

L is for…“Let me out of the sweet headlock that your vocal masterpieces have me in, Hasselhoff!”

H is for…Helmet. What I suggest you wear if you want to protect your unworthy ears from the power and pleasure of the sheer perfection that explodes from Hasselhoff’s mouth.

O is for…Obey. What all must do in response to Hasselhoff’s hypnotic crooning.

F is for… Finally, I have a reason to live.

F is for… the song, “Hot Shot City.” It’s particularly good.

If you’ve never seen it, you MUST watch his music video:

David Hasselhoff – Hooked on a Feeling

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  1. Wow! I don’t know what to say…I am at a loss for words. D-Hoff just does that to you I guess! 🙂

  2. Yeah, he’s pretty much awesome. 🙂

  3. Molly, you are hilarious and awesome at the same time but you don’t even come close to the hilariosity and awesomeness of the Hoff.

    P.S. I remember watching that video with you and laughing til my sides hurt.

  4. Nate – you’re right – no one can come close to the Hoff. 🙂

  5. MA Mosack

    Ok – I watched the video and I don’t get it!

  6. You’re in good company, mom! That’s the point! If you get it, that’s troubling… 🙂

    I love you!!!!

  7. standonthewall

    you should have had the H stand for hairy chest. no one can resist Hasselhoff’s hairy chest.

  8. HA!
    That is so (gag) true!!!

  9. *watches video*
    *eyeballs fall out from the sheer blinding artistry*

    Sweet mercy. How did I live this long without seeing that video. I once was blind, but now I see — the beauty realm of the Hasselhoff!!

  10. Ducky – you remind me of the first time I saw the video – it was like finding the meaning of life. I was and still am speechless at the magnifinence of his perfection.

    My favorite part is when he catches the fish and puts it in his mouth. What is more attractive than that? A close second is any scene in which he is wearing that big, furry, hooded parka.

  11. kaitlyn

    I too remember watching that visual feast of a video with you! Nothing like it…

  12. Visual Feast – perfect description! We shared something special when we watched that…:)

  13. Ahhh. I can now go to bed happy now that I enjoyed a cup of hot hoffee.

  14. Go all the way and top it off with some hoffe apples! 🙂

    But don’t hassel the hoff.

  15. oh my, that is so funny

  16. emilymea

    That made me laugh something fierce.

  17. benjaminwood

    What can I say, You have just gone way, way, way… UP! On my friend ladder. The only thing that can top off the video and your poem would be an ode to slow motion running on a beach with red lifesaver in hand, hairy chest bouncing around everywhere, or even jumping in the water from a high powered speed boat. If you could do that for me it would shoot you up way to the top.

    Who would have thought that my Hoff would have such an impact on peoples life. Thats right… I am taking all the credit for the Hoff! ALL CREDIT!

  18. Wow. I don’t even know what to say.

    I particularly enjoyed the fish in the mouth. Yeah, I’ll say that.

  19. Ok – did you mean “vial of life” or as you wrote “vile of life”? Either one works with me. BTW I ebay Knight Rider Season I (to go with my worn-out Season II) for $17.50 just yesterday afternoon!

    Surely you are familiar with the Antichrist rumors based on the Hoff’s numerology according to Rev. 13:18 and Ps 37:32 & 35? I have yet to hear either Mr. Bickle or Mr. Sliker promoting this teaching but I’ve been meditating on it for about a decade now. http://www.esquilax.com/baywatch/ is where you can find it! CBB

  20. whileitsstillday

    I’ll just always remember Dave saying (after watching these videos about five times in a row) “I feel like my eyes have just been plated with gold” Ha Ha!

    I remember Molly not exactly knowing what to do with herself becuase she was laughing so hard. She kept walking briskly around the room then coming back to the computer screen where “newcomers” were watching the video for the first time and pointing at the screen so close she was practically poking the screen saying “Look look HAAAA HAAA!

    Oh good times!

  21. Aaron – hey! Glad to have you.

    Emily – glad you enjoyed it!

    Ben – The view up here on your friend ladder is JAWSOME! Thanks for letting me croon about your Hoff. Who knows – maybe an ode to the Lionized Lifeguard is in your near future…or far future…keep your eyes peeled for more! I want to go all the way to the TOP of your friend ladder!

    Christine – I KNOW. Isn’t it UNBELIEVABLE? It’s pretty much the best thing I ever saw.

    Retroman – hey you! Thanks for catching that spellling…I meant ‘”vial” and I’m gonna switch it – thanks. I am well aware of the theory that Hasselhoff is the Antichrist – actually Sliker is the one who told me about it. But, we all know it can’t be true because the Bible says that the Antichrist will not regard the desire of women. Clearly we have a contradiction on our hands. Also it says don’t hassel the hoff! I forget the exact verse. 🙂 Congrats on your KR steal!

    Katty – oh how I remember that day! It was one of the best moments of my life. I was so happy it almost hurt.

  22. benjaminwood

    MoMo, Soon enough, soon enough! BOO YA!

  23. I repent for underestimating Mr. Sliker’s meticulous research – thought this one might have gone under the radar. Also, I vote that you keep “vile” as is.
    In related news, did you know that John Tesh is an alien 🙂
    CBB

  24. Truly unforgettable. I will never be the same. The problem now is that I will be coming back to this post to watch that video again and again. When was that video produced?

    Retroman – it’s true what you say – John Tesh is an alien.

  25. Ben – Something as prestigious as being at the top of your Friend ladder could never happen soon enough! BOO YA!

    Retroman – I see your point with “vile.” I heard that about John Tesh.

    Tom – if all you come back here for is to watch the Hoff, I’m happy! The video was produced years ago…not sure exactly. It is a gift to mankind, if I may say so!

  26. Retroman – I thought you would be especially interested to know that “An Ode to Hasselhoff” got 66 views today. Ah! The number of man! Maybe it’s true after all…

  27. 66 VIEWS! IT IS TRUE!

    What was that about the anti-christ not regarding the desire of women? I missed that in my “through the bible in a year” read! However, the Hoff apparently has the collective/aggregated desire of so many women that he easily affords disregarding their desires, save whomever his current interest may be.

    66 views – the irony! CBB

  28. Retroman – good point!
    That verse is Daniel 11:37.

  29. So, what does it say that the post on here that received the most comments was about the Hoff?

    How could we not clamor about like excited bumblebees during flower season when the topic is about one so bronzed, as to shame us back into our casino-like refuge of perpetual florescent lighting? How could we not scurry about like eager children on Christmas morning waiting for their dad to get out of the bathroom and come downstairs?

    What am I even saying?

    I’m saying that it’s about time that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, gave due homage to the MAN THAT ENDED THE COLD WAR, for goodness’ sake. If the Berlin Wall falls in a forest, and no one hears that the Hoff felled it, did it really fall? Aren’t we all really talking about the Berlin Wall that STILL EXISTS IN OUR HEARTS?

    Amen. Let’s stand.

  30. I agree with Mr. Sliker – Reagan has NOTHING on the ‘Hoff! And I’ve been standing in benediction since reading the comment… (can I sit back down now 🙂 )? CBB

  31. Retroman – no, you can never sit down. Not as long as your standing is a tribute to the Hoff. 🙂

    Dave – Thank you. You have exposed a painful reality in our hearts. The Berlin Wall in all of us that keeps us from abandoning ourselves to awe of the Hoff must come down. I suggest we play “the Very Best of David Hasselhoff” over and over and over to melt away the confusion and anger. Each magical, musical syllable that floats from the Hoff to our eager eardrums will topple the bricks of the little walls we have inside. Then we will be his happy Christmas morning scurrying bumblebees forever. Happily. Rejoice!

  32. PS – we should go all the way with the casino-likeness of the PR and pump oxygen in. Imagine. Couple slot machines in the back wouldn’t hurt either. And of course the carpet would have to change.

  33. Thad

    Molly, can you jump in my car?

  34. Thad! Seeing that you commented just made my day! 🙂 I am so glad that you know about that video. Wow – what a masterpiece. I love Hoff trivia!!! Love you!

  1. 1 Thoughts on the 'Hoff «

    […] 3rd, 2007 · No Comments My friend Molly has written an endearing acrostic to honor her personal feelings toward this great American actor […]




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