THE MAN-EATING ZOMBIE DEATH FLU

I’ve been sick since yesterday with both food poisoning and the flu, or as I like to call it, the Man-eating Zombie Death Flu.  The last 48 hours have not been the happiest of my life. 

Care to share some of your own “worse sick experiences ever”?

Mine are as follows:

The Man-eating Zombie Death Flu (currently afflicted with) This is the kind of sickness where you lay there and want to turn over on your other side, but you don’t have enough energy to do it. You think about it off and on for an hour before you decide to just go for it, and then you are completely wiped out and won’t be able to do anything productive (like turn over) for another couple hours at least. It’s the kind where you feel so wretched that you just want to cry but crying is out of the question because of how strenous it is. And I always want to cry when I throw up – it’s the worst.  Let’s just say I’ve wanted to cry a lot the last two days.

Some more rare strains of illnesses that I’ve suffered in the past:

My Stomach Hates Me and Wants to Kill Me Syndrome– At one point yesterday I was laying there thinking, this is the sickest I’ve ever been, but then I remembered when, about three years ago, I had food poisoning and I spent three days curled up in the fetal postion on the floor by my bathroom.  It was almost comfortable at times – you know the feeling, when you’re so sick that you find pleasure in moments when you’re not puking or whatnot. Laying there on that Herrnhut carpet, not puking for a few hours, was almost enjoyable.

Air Molecules Hurt My Face Sickness – This was the time I had mono when I was 15. Ug. My teeth hurt, my hair hurt, I felt like even my clothes hurt. If someone whispered in the room, I felt like they were screaming directly into my eardrum with a bullhorn. That was two weeks of sheer misery. One good thing that came out of that episode is in the last couple days of being sick, when I was starting to feel better but still confined to my bed, I memorized saying the alphabet backwards. I can still do it to this day. I still have hope that this skill will come in handy someday.

Delirious, Desperate, Repentance Flu – When I was 13, I had the flu, and I was so sick that in the middle of the night, I crawled up to my parents room (literally, crawled, and it took me about a half hour), woke my mom up and started telling her my laundry list of sins because at that point I really thought God was punishing me, maybe even killing me, and if I would only come clean, He would spare my life.  My mom just thought I was in a feverish stupor and helped me back to bed where I cried and wished I would die. 

Every-man-for-himself Immediate Evacuation Flu – the details are gross, so I’ll spare you.  Let’s just say that I was doing what rhymes with “showing up” and “knowing miarreah” at the same time. That’s right, the same time. That is an experience that unfortunately, I will never, ever forget.

So what’s the worst you’ve ever been?  Bring us into your pain.

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  1. No fun!! I’ll be praying for you. Hope you feel much better very soon.

    My worst was when I had pneumonia and didn’t realize it. I thought I just had a bad cold… yeah. One day it really caught up with me, and I went to the hospital so dehydrated that it took five I.V. bags of fluid to get me back to a safe level. I almost died. It was pretty cool.

    I can’t think of an official-sounding name like yours, though, Molly. The best I’ve come up with is Gasping Raisin Syndrome.

  2. benjaminwood

    Wowserz! How many times of you getting food poisoning is it going to take you to realize you have to stop eating raw chicken. IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!

    But seriously… I hope you get better.

    The worst pain due to illness would have to be the time when I spent an evening dealing with the “Ever burning Coming and Going” disorder. Where you have it going both ways if you know what I mean.

  3. Ben – I never thought it could be the raw chicken…I’m still not sold, but I’ll give it a try. 🙂
    Oh, man, I’m making myself want to puke even writing that…

    “Ever Burning Coming and Going” sounds like the name of an IHOP worship song. And oh yes, unfortunately I know what you mean – there’s absolutely nothing like it, is there?

  4. I can’t even start to compare, though I’ve got two bad ones.

    The first was when I discovered I had acquired a food allergy. All I knew was that I suddenly couldn’t finish swallowing my lunch. And I had to drive people home. Then I developed hiccups and burps at the same time (massively painful when they both happen at once). I then proceeded to go home and lie on the couch in some kind of stupor till I got better. It took a few more instances before I figured out I had a food allergy, and what I was allergic to. The best name I can come up with is ‘Vader’s Fist.’ (Yes, I’m a nerd).

    The second is when I was little, and discovered I was allergic to pets. I discovered this when my eyes swelled completely shut after I spent time playing with a neighbor’s dog. I barely remember this one (I was, like, three). I’m afraid I’m at a complete loss at a name for this one.

    Oh, and if you didn’t find my comment lurking on your first post, hello!

  5. Esther

    Hi Molly,
    Can’t wait until you get to labor pains… not until you get married and pregnant, but …what will you call those?

  6. standonthewall

    What is going on??? You’ve had a rough couple of weeks.

    We were wondering where you were tonight…

  7. Idhrendur – I love “Vader’s fist”! That is a perfect description…

    Esther – I don’t know what I would call labor pains…I won’t presume to know what they feel like, but if I ever experience them I’ll let you know what I name them.

    Brooke – ug, I know. It’s riduculous.




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