DILEMNA: A PROBLEMN OF IMNENSE DIMNENSIONS

August 19, 2007 in feather-rufflin, random

I recently almost lost 1 million dollars in a bet on how you spell “dilemma”. The only thing that kept me from losing all that money is the fact that I technically do not have 1 million dollars. But it was still scary. It started when a group of us (my Prayer Room Team, to be exact – holla) were discussing some notes from a recent sermon. I commented that the word “dilemma” was spelled wrong and ha, ha, wasn’t that funny. Well! One of my astute team members, David, told me I was absolutely wrong. A team-wide argument ensued.

Sides were formed: Fran, from Florida and myself, from Ohio, were absolutely, 100% sure that it was spelled with an “n”, and David, from Minnesota, along with some others said it was spelled with a double-m. This was where the bet occurred. I was so sure that I was right so I said I would bet 1 million dollars on it. So, we whipped out the dictionary and HORROR OF HORRORS! I was wrong! Fran and I were absolutely dumbfounded!

Of course, I had to get to the bottom of this. So, I Googled it. 32,300 results on “dilemma dilemna” came back. Apparently, this is a topic that a lot of people are arguing about. In fact, it has now reached the status of an international debacle. People are weighing in from San Diego to the UK. The common source of the split seems to be that a long time ago, somewhere, somehow, someone taught the spelling wrong. All I have to say is that is one humongous blunder for a person to make. How’d you like to be that person? Your one claim to fame in your brief existence on this planet is that you blew it and taught a bunch of kids the wrong way to spell dilemma and caused a state of grammatical chaos the likes of which have not been seen since the heated debate on the correct use of the comma in a list of descriptions that contains the word “and”.

Needless to say, I feel betrayed. 28 years of my life have passed me by while I have unknowingly been stranded in the dark on the correct spelling of this word. Actually, I guess it’s probably more accurate to say roughly 23 years of my life, since most likely before the age of 5 I didn’t know or care much about the spelling of dilemma unless it interfered with Sesame Street or Golden books. You might think 5 is a generous age to ascribe concern over the spelling of dilemma, but I will point out here that at the age of 3 I spelled the word ”sausage” on the fridge with those rainbow-colored, plastic, magnetic letters, and turned to my mom and said, “sausage.” Not to toot my own horn, but I think at that point it became clear to my parents that I was headed for a very successful carreer later in my life that would see me sitting in a chair all day trying not to eat and earning me roughly $9,000 a year, which is only a few thousand dollars below the poverty line. Wait, what happened?

Anyways, as is obvious, this topic requires immediate attention by the entire world-wide, English-speaking community if we are to see a peaceful resolution and return to life as civilized human beings. Of course, the only reasonable action is to initiate a global funeral for the incorrect spelling and lay it to rest and get on with the mourning process. Black T-shirts will be available that say “Dilemna…we will remember” and elementary school bands will play “Taps” in unison across the earth. The only grave that is big enough for a death of these proportions is, of course, the Grand Canyon, where millions will gather to bury this expired spelling, thus filling the Canyon with dirt and eradicating one of the United States’ most beautiful natural wonders. This is a shame, but of course the alternative is Civil War. The midwest and the east coast are gearing up for the bloodiest battle to date, understandably, over such a weighty debate, with other random states choosing sides at will, causing further dissension and confusion. This is mostly true, except for the fact that I made it up right now, but that is a minor detail excusable by the undeniable signs that point to a blatant inevitability of such an event. I just hope we are prepared.  

Well, I feel I’ve done my part. Support the cause! T-shirts and tickets to the Grand Canyon will be available soon through my website and countless other venues. Al Gore will probably try to do something about it. Or maybe those naked people from Sweden will show up. At any rate, remember, if someone approaches you with a shotgun and asks you which side you are on, tell them to make lemonade, not war. Wait, is that how it goes? No, tell them, if they can’t stand the heat, get out of the…no, wait, it’s make hay while the sun shines…or, oh forget it.

Another interesting post on “the Dilemma Dilemna” is here.